Spiders (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

The Robbins Report, "JFK" meets "Scooby Doo".
I think we all know that the US government keeps a secret underground lair which houses all the things they don't want us to know.

JFK's corpse is there, along with all the NASA flights that blew up on the launching pad, the Roswell aliens, the perfect solar-powered car, Elvis, the lost 8 1/2 minutes of that Nixon tape, and all the secret evil government laboratories.


Since this lair is 25 stories underground, and the tiny entrance is hidden in the desert, nobody can get there except some meddling kids, led by one who writes paranoid Enquirer-like columns for a junior college newspaper.

While they are watching the government cover up a major failure in the last space shuttle voyage, they stumble on the secret lab the government uses to create larger spiders. You just never know when you might need larger spiders, as a military weapon to drop behind enemy lines, in case of a surplus fly population, or just to make your best girlie jump into your arms.

And to make matters worse, the botched shuttle trip brought back some alien DNA which mixed with the spiders, and I don't know what all, but plenty of crazy bullspit which combined to create really, really big and semi-intelligent spiders which get larger in each generation.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • Widescreen letterboxed.

  • Believe it or not, there is a feature on The making of "Spiders", as if it were fucking "Fitzcarraldo".

The government might have gotten away with covering up everything, if not for:

1. those meddling kids

2. the fact that a giant spider terrorizes a city, until defeated by the writer, because that's why our society needs writers. So she blows up the last spider while dangling from a helicopter with a bazooka in her arms, and then says, "Set me down, Anderson, I've got a story to write"

The end

The Critics Vote

  • General consensus: Apollo 48/100.

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 4.9, Apollo users 41/100. These scores are terrible, but consistent with the critical consensus, and maybe stil a bit overrated.
  • With their dollars ... no theatrical release in the USA. It was made directly for the bargain bin.
My guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is an E. It's awful, but production value aren't that bad, saving it from an F.

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