Portrait (1999)

(Not a Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski) review. This review guest-written by Tuna)

Portrait is a made for (no apparent reason whatsoever). It is called "The Portrait" on the DVD packaging, "Portrait" on all of the title screens, and IMDB has renamed it "Portrait of the Soul," for reasons they do not chose to share. There are no IMDb reviews, no comments, and fewer than 5 votes.

This soft core claims to be based on the writings of Oscar Wilde, but whoever did the credits had no idea which writings, or didn't wish to say. I think we can rule out "Lady Windemere's Fan". My guess would be "The Portrait of Dorian Gray," as the story concerns the devil, who photographs beautiful women, then tricks them into offering their souls for eternal youth. At that point, the photograph ages, rather than the woman.

There are exactly two elements in this film ... nudity, and the most pretentious dialogue I have ever heard. A police lieutenant uses words better suited to an English professor, and the stripper has a computer science degree from Cal Tech. Granted, Wilde himself could gild the old lily omn occasion, but he was intelligent and witty. This dialogue has neither wit nor intelligence.

Also, if Wilde was going to do an adult version of anything, I doubt that the nudes would be female.

So much for the good news. The bad news is that this is a terrible DVD. It is dark and grainy. Their idea of a spectacular photographic effect is a series of quick cuts. The sex is not very hot, other than one scene where a woman has her hand up the skirt of another woman in a strip club. I have awarded the Tuna to this scene for best performance by a thumb in a supporting role.

Fun things to do with this film:

  • Come up with your own name for it.
  • Invite a group over and pretend you like it.
  • Translate the dialogue into French.
  • Have a contest to see who can give the plot in the fewest words.
  • Crop to just nipples, then have everyone match the nipples to the actress.
  • Identify the plastic surgeon by the size and shape of the breasts.
  • Write a 500 word essay on the symbolism in this film. (They keep showing the clock, and it is always 12:00)
  • Find a use for the DVD that does not involve electronic equipment. Perhaps you have a dog too small to catch frisbees ....

There is, of couse, plenty of nudity, It is a softcore film starring Gabriella Hall, Jenna Bodner, and Leslie Olivan.

IMDB summary

DVD info from Amazon.

Return to the home page