Mexican Blow  (2002) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

In the course of spending my life looking for filmed nude scenes, I end up watching a lot of bad movies, and a lot of odd ones. This is one of the oddest and one of the worst.

What's so odd about it? Well, for one thing, how many other films can you name that star Yukmouth of the Luniz. Yup, that's his real name. No last name, just Yukmouth. The rest of his name is to distinguish him from the many other Yukmouths currently enrolled as SAG members. Why, there's Yukmouth of the Inuits, Yukmouth of the Lapps, and the rarely-seen Yukmouth Bukowski.

No, actually, there's only one Yukmouth, and he doesn't even use Yukmouth as his stage name. He just goes by Leonardo Dicaprio.

But I digress.

Imagine this film: the drug cartels are battling each other for control of some remote Mexican jungles, and they are gradually forcing out the native tribes. The natives decide to fight back.

OK, nothing so weird about that so far, right?

But there's a twist. The natives are led by The Chosen One, and he has magical powers. So it all comes down to some thugs with AK-47's against a naked indigenous wizard, who poses menacingly, waves his hands, and causes their factories and vehicles to blow up, and their "firesticks" to fly from their hands.

I don't know if I ever told you this, but I was almost The Chosen One. I came so close to being Chosen. In the 1976 Chosen Guy pageant, I was selected as first runner up, and if anything had happened to him and he had not been able to serve out his term, I would have had to take over his Chosen responsibilities. Why did I lose? Well, I beat him in the swimsuit competition and we were about even in the evening wear, but he really kicked my ass in the talent competition. His talent was "perfect spiritual purity, and control of all time and space", while I sang a song from Naughty Marietta. I still think I would have beaten him if I hadn't missed my high note.

Anyway, the Chosen One in Mexican Blow has all sorts of mystical limits on his powers.  For example, if he uses his Chosen One powers rashly or in anger, he brings back to this world an evil sorceress who had been banished earlier by a previous Chosen One. There's no explanation of what happened to that earlier Chosen One. I guess he was later deselected. Those defrocked Ex-Chosen Guys are truly a forgotten minority. You hear about the Unchosen Ones, but nobody ever mentions Those Who Were Once Chosen and Have Recently Been Deselected. Forlorn and drinking too much, they spend most of their time hanging out with The Knights Who Up Until Recently Said Nee.

Mr Chosen does eventually screw up, thus causing the wicked witch to return to our plane of existence, and we end up with two heavily-armed drug cartels, an indigenous tribe with their spears, the evil sorceress, and The Chosen One all vying for control of the jungle turf.

At one point the drug lords gain the upper hand over The Chosen One by (I'm not making this up) getting him really drunk at a strip joint. You see, as a tribal chosen one, he is quite effective when the situation calls for dominion over rain and the moon and the beasts of the field, but he's just not familiar with the rituals of the city, including the dreaded Seductive Profit-Dancing and the deadly Drinks of a Thousand Pretty-Colored Umbrellas.


Estelle Bermudez shows her breasts in a strip club

Oh yeah, at first he's kinda naive when it comes to the ways of the city, but by the end of the movie, he is Mr Urbane Chosen One, all decked out in skin-tight leather muscle clothes and dreadlocks, looking like Mario van Peebles playing Bernardo in a Jamaican interpretation of West Side Story.

Hoo boy.

Sidebar: somehow Jamie Luner ended up in this film!

currently a Blockbuster exclusive
Imagine you have two sound studios. In one, you are filming a low budget recreation of Scarface. Then imagine that Xena, Warrior Princess is being filmed in the other studio. Then imagine that budget cuts force the two groups to work together in one movie. There you have Mexican Blow.

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The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, it's an F, but a truly odd film that I found interesting to watch for a few minutes, my jaw slack in disbelief. On the other hand, I have to rate it a C if the genre is "movies with Yukmouth of the Luniz". I think Yukmouth fans will find plenty to like here.

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