Hell's Highway (1999) from Tuna

Hell's Highway (2001) is a straight to vid released by Brain Damage Home Video. It is due for release next week, and nobody but me seems to have seen it, which makes me nearly the unluckiest living human.

Two cars full of kids from Pennsylvania take a road trip to Laguna Beach, California. As we join them, they are in death Valley, for some reason, on "Hell's Highway." We have already been treated to the legend of Hell's Highway once, when Lucinda, supposedly Lucifer in the flesh, kills a preacher. The kids in the only car we see are making a shaky-cam record of their trip a la Blair Witch, and one of the four, Kirin David, shows her tits for the camera. Then they stop to pick up guess who, who is hitch-hiking. Lucinda admits she is going to kill them all, and that she has already killed everyone in the other car. She then decides to play with the other woman in the car, and begins to finger her. They manage to force Lucinda out of the car, then drive off. Later, they will kill her time after time only to have her re-appear.


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Between attacks on our 4 main characters, Lucinda kills another motorist, played by porn legend Ron Jeremy, who must way in at well over 300 lbs now. We have one night camping in the desert, where we again see Kirin's breasts, as she has sex in a tent. From that point, it is non-stop gore, until the point when Lucinda attacks the driver of the car with a chainsaw, cutting off one of his arms, and opening his stomach like she was cleaning a fish, in plain sight of the others. The other guy runs up, grabs his friend, and says ... Yup, you guessed it, "Are you ok?"
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Three of the four are killed, then the last girl is taken into a government test facility, where she learns that Lucinda was not Satan, but rather 4 clunts from a secret project gone awry. What's a clunt, you ask? A female clone. Just when we have learned this new bit, and the girl is told she will be the next experiment, Lucinda, in a final moment of irony, shows up again. We can only hope that this ending wasn't leaving room for a sequel.

The Critics Vote

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The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: not enough votes for a score
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this is an F, if there every was one, not just because of the Blair Witch shaky-cam, not just because of the awful dialogue, but also because of poor acting and rotten photography.

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