Hard Drive (1994) from Brainscan

Uncle Scoopy is famous for his First Law of Cinema Vampires. Put in layman's terms, that law says no vampire movie since Dracula is any damn good. Only exception I know of is the movie about the making of the first vampire movie, but that doesn't count so The Law is still The Law.

We could extend The Law and make it the First Law of the Undead, which states that no movie except the originals that deal with dead things coming back to life is any damn good. Mummies and zombies join vampires in the grand trifecta.

There is a fourth category of undead that I propose fits nicely within the First Law of the Undead. It would cover real people who you think are dead but really aren't. Hitchcock did the original in Vertigo and ever since everyone and his cousin has taken a whack at that plot device. Everyone and his cousin has failed. Close with Body Heat, but close does not count either.

Someone by the name of Leo Damian attempted to use the not-really-dead undead device in Hard Drive (1994). Guy gets on the web with his brand new 286 (this would be right after Al invented the web) and chats with a dudette who has kinky sex fantasies about guns and shit. Meets her, shoots her accidentally whilst a-boffing her, gets blackmailed, loses his long-suffering wife, so on and so forth. But nothing is as it seems and ya know what? I didn't give a rat's ass because I knew who was doing what and why and to whom and when and where and how. Big yawn. Real big mofo-ing yawn.

But you got your nekkid babes. Six of them.

  • Angela Davis. No, not the 60's black radical, but a redhead, one-timer. IMDb says this is the name used by Melanie Moore in Hard Drive, but they are just wrong. Mistakes happen, ya know. Angela plays the imagined playmate of our protagonist as he chats with his as-yet unseen and still very much alive web friend. She shows hooters only.
  • Belinda Waymouth, cute little blonde who has been in a dozen or so movies and a couple dozen tv shows, gives up three frames of hooties in a shower scene. She plays the wife of our websurfing protagonist but she is not getting all scrubby with her hubby, if'n you see where I am going. This seems to be the one time Belinda has shown some goodies.
  • Christina Fulton, who goes by Kristina in this magnificent achievement in cinema. A triple-B performance by this lovely woman in two sport-humping scenes with the webdude. Christina has also given up goodies in The Doors and in a couple of Red Shoe Diaries episodes. Seems she has mated with Nic Cage and together they have produced offspring.
  • Deanne Power plays another figment of the online Romeo's figment of imagination. Deanne is a frequent visitor to Naked Movie Land and has explored every way possible to spell "Deanne." There is D'Ann, De Ann, De'Ann and DeAnn... and once she made berself into Powers instead of Power. Here shows off her chest in a burning-candles-while-humping scene.
  • Jane Damian is a one-timer with a, well uh a, uh... really nice rack. Gal plays in a dominatrix and the only reason all this is worth noting is she was the associate producer of the movie (her hubbie, Leo, wrote it. 'Least I think it was her hubbie. Name's Leo Damian and let's face it, Damian is not exactly so common as Smith or Jones as a last name). IMDb says she's been in one other movie and the wonder is that second effort makes this one seem like Oscar winning material. The movie was the Bo Derek travesty, Ghosts Can't Do It.
  • Melanie Moore, scrawny and amazing pale, plays the last of the imagined virtual lovers. Melanie may not be a name bandied about your household but she has been in over 100 film projects... with titles that suggest she did the kinds of things on-camera that can make a gal real popular.

So that's it. If you do as the bumper sticker proposes and read Playboy for the articles and watch porn for the music, you will grab Hard Drive and look at it for the plot, the pacing and for the acting. Otherwise, you'll scope it out for the nekkid babes and leave the viewing a much happier man.


Davidovich shows her breasts in a sex scene with Newman, and we get side views near the beginning of the film.

DVD info from Amazon

  • no features, no widescreen

Scoop's note: I believe the First Law is even more comprehensive than Brainscan has advised. It includes any living being which should be dead but is not. Sub-categories would include:

1. Those which have never died. Vampires, Highlander Dudes, and various other Immortals.

2. Those which have come back from the dead. Mummies, zombies, and ancient gods.

3. Those which are presumed dead, but are not. MIA soldiers, scheming femme fatales, insurance swindlers, and evil twins (where the good twin is really dead, and the evil twin, presumed dead, impersonates his/her brother/sister.)

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The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

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