Don't Mess With My Sister (1985) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Back in the late 70's, Meir Zarchi made one of the trashiest films of all time, the notorious I Spit on Your Grave. The basic plot for that one was as follows. Woman gets raped by hayseeds, escapes temporarily, but hayseeds find her and rape her some more. Repeat as necessary.

She then nurses herself back to health, hunts down the guys who violated her, and kills them one by one, but not before making them suffer when possible.

That was really a bad movie, made with amateur actors, but it was ultra-lurid, punctuated with plenty of nudity and gore and low-rent acting. But suppose he had made the exact same movie with no nudity or gore, with only the suggestion of the deeds committed off-camera. That would have really stunk, right? No reason to watch it at all.


Not one bit. The director's only other movie is a legend in the world of nudity and gore, but this one is cleaner than an average episode of The Waltons.
Guess what? That's pretty much what he did with his second and only other movie. And, needless to say, I only picked the flick up because I assumed a Zarchi film would be another sensationalist exploitation classic. This film is so bad that the only way I can adequately describe it is to tell you the entire plot from start to stop, so you can see just how little content there is in this movie.

Steven married Clara so he could get a partnership with her brothers in their auto parts business. He's even studying in the University to become a better ... um ... auto parts accountant. I guess that's what he does, because the two brothers work on cars and he just sits in the office with a tiny hand-held calculator.

As luck would have it, his wife really loves him, or appears to, and lovingly plans a surprise party for his birthday. On his way home that night, he gives a ride to a woman who goes to school with him. He is confused when he finds out they are both going to the same address, Surprise - she turns out to be the belly dancer that his wife hired for his birthday party.

The next night, he gives the belly dancer another ride so that she can do a private show for a rich industrialist. Turns out that Tony Stark wants more than just a little hip-wiggling, and they get into a fight. Steven hears the ruckus from his car, rushes in to help, and the two of them end up killing ol' Iron Man. So they do what any young couple would do when they make their first kill. They follow it up with their first sex.

Steve told his wife he had a flat tire, and would be a little late, and asked her to kiss the baby for him. Well, turns out he was actually out fuckin' belly dancers and killin' industrialists, so, hoo-boy, Steve's wife is really just a little disappointed in him when she finds out, because he promised to really try hard not to kill any more millionaire industrialists after the baby was born. Well, you think she was mad? Her brothers are really ticked. Not only do they deny him a partnership, but they take away his Snap-On girly calendar that he was allowed to keep in his Bob Cratchitlike cubicle, and then they beat him and the belly dancer with lug wrenches and fan belts and stuff.

Just when it seems that things couldn't get any worse, the belly dancer gets on a plane for Morocco, or some country where Belly Dancing is a cabinet post, and leaves Steverino holding the bag alone on the whole wacky dead industrialist thing.

Steve snaps.

He goes to the brothers' car place, gets a shotgun and starts firing away. The biggest brother sees the gun and says Steve can have a full partnership after all, but Steve tells him to shove it, and throws the gun away.

DVD info from Amazon.

Three extended scenes, and a 16x9 print of the film. Period. Actually, it's a nice clear print, but the movie is awful, so what matter?

Then Steve grabs his wife, who just happens to be hanging around an automobile graveyard in the middle of the niught, and drags her off. She refuses to go, so he walks off alone. But she follows behind him, cussing him out and saying that she'll never plan another surprise party for him.

The credits roll.

I presume they couldn't afford any more film.

The Critics Vote

  • Oddly enough, James Agee and Pauline Kael have never reviewed this film.

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 2.2 out of 10, but it will drop when my vote is tabulated. 80% of all votes cast have been for the lowest possible rating. Currently among the lowest 50 movies ever made. Lower than It's Pat or Car 54 or Battlefield Earth

And it might be a little overrated. Those other three movies shine like Schindler's List compared to this piece of detritis. I have seen this movie and Manos, The Hands of Fate. I would re-watch Manos before this.

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