Christina's House (2001) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

John Savage is in this movie. If you really admire the sensitive work he has done in the past in such films as The Deer Hunter, you had better avoid watching this and live instead with your memories.

WARNING: THIS PAGE IS FILLED WITH SPOILERS (not that you would want to see the movie, but fair warning just in case)

Damned if I can figure out why they made this movie at all. Count Floyd would love this film, because its one of those that Mrs Prickly would book as a scary movie, even though it isn't scary.

Imagine, if you will, a slasher movie with an unidentified murderer. Now take out all the slashing, all the jump cuts, and all the surprises except one. It's not a really incompetent movie, but it simply has no reason to exist. It is too bad to entertain you if you like good movies, and too boring if you like bad movies. It's just a waste of time. 


Allison Lange shows her breasts (top half, including nipples) in the bathtub, then offers a peek of one breast later on.

The plot: A bunch of people are murdered. Is it Christina's creepy dad, the creepy sheriff, one of the two creepy boyfriends, or a supernatural force of some kind?  

The only surprise they left in: finally revealing the murderer's identity. It was, needless to say, the least creepy and most sensitive of the four suspects. The best part of all - he had no motive! He was released from the same nuthouse where Christina's mom is being held. He and mom had many loony conversations, which planted in his mind that he should eventually kill everyone associated with Christina. So he did just that when he was released. Why not? He didn't have anything else to do.

The scariest things in the movie were cookies. You see, the killer started out by killing a girl scout who was selling her cookies. Mr Murderer then had more cookies than the average Safeway, so he disposed of this surplus by using them to scare people.

Example. Christina would think she was alone in the house, she'd leave a room, come back - and there would be a plateful of cookies, one partially eaten!

Cutaway to Count Floyd

"Did you see dose cookies, kids? Pretty scary, eh? Aroooooooooooooooooooo!"

Those were some scary mothafoggin' Oreos! Although I have to admit the pecan sandies were kinda creepy. 

DVD info from Amazon.

  • Widescreen anamorphic, 1.85:1, plus a standard full screen version

  • no meaningful features

After the creepy sheriff caught the killer, the film shows us another loony being released from the same booby hatch, and he exchanges meaningful glances with mom as he leaves. A sequel?

Who is the audience for this movie? Slasher fans may be disappointed by the lack of slashing. Mystery fans will hate the fact that the murderer has no motive, and therefore he can't be deduced logically. In addition, there are elements of the plot which seem supernatural, yet Mr Murderer is just a regular human guy. He's a handyman. In fact, he looks perfectly normal until the very moment they identify him as the killer, at which point he starts making up his face like Marcel Marceau. (Only half-kidding. At that point they put white powder on his face and drew bags under his eyes. )

By the way, here's a tip for you moviegoing youngsters. If the family is too poor for a butler, the handyman did it.

Tuna's comments in yelow:

Christina's House (1999) is a Canadian teen slasher film, sort of. Many will recall that Scoop recently did this film, and commented that there was nothing really wrong with it, but there was nothing really right with it either, that there was little startle type fright, and no suspense. Every character was strange enough to be the murderer except the actual murderer.

Scoop couldn't figure out why they made the film. Sometimes I love being second. First, I am not plagued with high expectations, and second, I can  build on what Scoop noticed. My suspicion is that this was intended to be an understated spoof of the genre. What confirmed my suspicions was an exchange between Christina (Allison Lange) and her father: 

Dad: "I don't know what's gotten into you lately."
Christina: "Don't be disgusting ... and nothing's gotten into me yet."

Add the fact that the terror and gore comes at you at a snails pace a la EuroHorror, and that the mood is reminiscent of Stephan King films and I  think this was intended as parody. Unfortunately, they were a little too subtle, and missed the mark. Lange poked through  her tops for the first 2/3 of the film, then suddenly had industrial strength bras under her tops. Maybe she finally saw a daily and had an attack of modesty. I honestly don't find this any worse than most of the genre.

The Critics Vote

  • no major reviews

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 3.3 
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a D. Not completely incompetent, but surely a complete waste of time. (Tuna says C-)

Return to the Movie House home page