Breeders (1986) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski) and Tuna

I suppose that Breeders is the Citizen Kane of T&A horror movies. Well, maybe I should be more specific. If you watch T&A horror films for the horror, this movie munches large, 77 minutes with more cheese than a double mozzarella from Papa John's, watchable only as a film to howl at when you're with your rowdy buds. 
  • There's no tension
  • The make-up, as such, is from the Halloween party store.
  • There are no actual actors employed by this film. Where did they find these people? Do you remember back around third grade when everyone had to take turns reading, and some of the kids weren't too good, pronouncing words syllabically, and/or hesitating constantly? Well, those kids grew up and are in this film, and they had to read their lines off cue cards.
  • The plot is high cheese. Aliens have to have sex with human virgins to propagate their species, or something.
  • Talk about dialogue! Check out this conversation (which, trust me, is not meant to be funny) if you want to learn how to pick up chicks.

female doctor: I can't figure you out. You seem to be fascinated with this. (rape)

male detective: (attempting gravitas) You may be a good doctor, but you don't know everything. When I was seven, my older sister was raped, and I saw her turn from an happy teenager to a closed-up old woman in one day.

female doctor: Oh, OK.

male detective: (cheerful) Say, maybe when this is over, we could have dinner sometime.


see the main commentary

On the other hand, if you watch T&A horror movies for the T&A, you'll be rewarded

  • Frances Raines, niece of Claude Raines, of Casablanca fame, does some naked calisthenics. Actually, Claude is the brother of her stepfather, not her biological father, not that it really matters. After the calisthenics, she rises from her hospital bed in the control of some alien mind-meld thingy, and starts to mosey down a public corridor in the buff. She makes it outside, and starts hanging out in a weird ritual with other naked possessed chicks who were apparently all fishing for Smallmouth Bass. Thankfully, she didn't have to walk far to make it to the rituals ... apparently the aliens have "convenience rituals", one on every corner, instead of 7-Elevens. Good thing the ritual wasn't in Finland or someplace ... she'd have had a heck of a time getting there buck naked, and it would have turned out to be too cold for naked rituals, except in a sauna. Frances' career was somewhat less impressive than that of Uncle Claude. She did a few Tim Kincaid movies and "Ryder, P.I.", the cult comedy which marked Howard Stern's screen debut. (Ryder was to have been issued on DVD weeks ago, but has been postponed several times)
  • LeeAnn Baker takes a shower. She gets kind of sticky during the rituals, probably either from Alien Sperm or Bass Gills. Most highly intelligent alien civilizations come to earth mainly for the top-notch bass fishing and the Jerry Springer show. Highly intelligent alien travel agents also market the fact that earth chicks do naked calisthenics and frequently shower on camera. Less well known is that the #1 favorite earth singer among highly intelligent alien civilizations is Slim Whitman, and earth is the only place where his records are easily available.
  • Natalie O'Connell is a hospital patient who climbs out of bed
  • Adrienne Lee undresses while talking to her mother on the phone. 
  • Amy Brentano is the fifth woman in the bass fishing pool.

All four women are then seen walking stark naked through streets and hallways, then playing or bathing or bass-fishing naked in a pool of alien slime. All four women show T&A, but pubes are rarely seen, and when they are visible it is only fleetingly. Hey, it's a T&A movie, not a T&A&B movie. 

The director, Tim Kincaid, was also at the helm of that noted cinematic masterpiece, "Waldo Warren: Private Dick Without a Brain". Kincaid did several of these exploitation movies in the mid 80's, then disappeared.

Amazingly enough, the DVD of this trashy movie was issued by MGM, of all people, who did a good job mastering a widescreen anamorphic version of the film.


DVD info from Amazon.

you'll be surprised. Although there are no features except the original trailer, and the movie stinks ... 

... this is a good transfer of an anamorphic widescreen 1.85:1 version!

Tuna's comments in yellow:

Scoop characterized it as a terrible horror film, and a terrible piece of film making, but an excellent source of T & A. I agree with him about the T & A, but he gave the horror and general movie making way too much credit. Ok, we have a spore-borne alien entity coming to New York City to find hosts for breeding ... could happen, and Manhattan is probably the most likely spot. They need to rape virgins to start the process ... hey, if that's what they need, I can accept that. They live in a sub-basement under the Empire State building ... good choice, centrally located, and everyone knows how to get there. So, so far, we have a very believable story. 

Then the film goes seriously wrong. The aliens find at least 5 attractive virgins in their 20s in New York City. I will give a film maker a lot of leeway in suspension of disbelief, but 5 good looking virgins over 20 in Fun City?

Five women were nude, showing T & A, and one of them, Frances Raines, niece of Claude Raines, showed bush as well. Between Scoop and I, we have probably grabbed enough of the frames that there is no reason for you to sit through this. 

The Critics Vote

  • no external reviews

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it a dismal 3.0, showing that they prefer quality filmmaking to quality breasts 
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a C+ as a T&A movie, but an E by any other standard. If you want to see a good horror movie, or a respectable low-budget film, or anything that involves natural acting, this ain't your cup o' tea. (Tuna says: As a T & A, C+, but as a film, solid F.)

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