Blessed (2004) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Originally called Samantha's Child, Blessed is a Rosemary's Baby clone that went straight to video, although that may not have been the original intention. It stars Rollergirl (Heather Graham) and Gollum (Andy Serkis), with a host of semi-famous or formerly famous back-up players, including Fionnula Flanagan, David Hemmings, and Stella Stevens.

Hemmings died during the filming in Romania and some of his scenes were finished by a body double. I can't imagine how he could have been ill. He looked so fit. (Far Right) Why, he had hardly aged a day since Blow-Up! (Near Right).

Yes, those are two pictures of the same man.

Basically, Rollergirl plays a housewife who desperately wants to get pregnant. She and her writer husband hear about a miracle clinic in upstate New York that has been producing some amazing results by using insemination from Satan.

Rollergirl says "that's for me".


There is only a very brief glance of Heather's left breast from the rear, as she moves about in a sex scene.

It's amazing that there is a clinic in upstate New York that keeps Satan's DNA around, but that's not as amazing as some of the other things in this film.

At one point, Rollergirl's husband comes home, finds her missing, and reports her absence to the police. Although it is late at night, the two detectives assigned to a related murder case (the woman who was the previous host of Satan's DNA) show up a few minutes later. The husband hops into the police car and they speed off with the light flashing. Then they hear a report on the police radio about a fire in a seedy hotel (it is the place where Rollergirl had been taken after being kidnapped), so they make an instant u-turn and go to answer that call.

Now some of what I told you is already pretty silly. Are those two cops on duty 24/7? But those things happen in many movies. There are two things in this sequence, however, that completely stumped me:

1. How did they know that fire had anything to do with Rollergirl?

2. More important - where the hell were they going at full speed before they heard that report?

That was some mystifying plotting, but it was nowhere near as confusing as the birth of Heather's twins. (Twin Satans?) Just before the birth, we see Heather's stomach being ripped from inside by claws or something. Then when the babies emerge, we see the doctor and the husband exchange horrified looks. Surely something monstrous has happened, but we don't see the babies.

That would have been a good place to end the movie ...

... especially since the next scene fast-forwards four years to the birthday party for the twins - two adorable and normal looking girls, with their healthy mommy Rollergirl looking on proudly!

So what did the husband and the doctor see that was so frightening? I have no freakin' idea.

I am also a bit confused by the casting. Oh, sure I enjoy the idea of Heather Graham carrying Satan's twin spawn. That's an idea that really can't miss. I also give a tip of the cap to Satan for a significant improvement in taste since Rosemary's Baby. But why Rollergirl specifically? I mean, if they wanted to cast the role of a beautiful woman who will give birth to the children of a monstrous sub-human entity, shouldn't they have hired Uma Thurman?

Hey, Ethan, I'm just kidding.


Anyway, the final piece of the puzzle is Gollum. Are you wondering how he fits in? He plays an Italian priest with a Chico Marx accent who knows all about the Satanic baby racket, and must stop the schemers from actually producing any of Satan's foul offspring. Father Gollum is actually the one who keeps murdering the pregnant would-be mothers of the Satanic kiddies. Of course, he doesn't kill them immediately. First he meets with them and offers them a chance to eat the secret magic ice cream (heavenly hash?) which will kill their babies. I'm not sure how the Catholic Church reconciles this procedure with their anti-abortion stance. I guess there must be an exception allowing you to have an abortion if you are carrying Satan's child.

Anyway, this guy must have the world's hardest sales job. How do you expect a spooky Italian priest to convince suburban housewives to voluntarily abort their children? Especially since he is a Catholic priest and everyone knows the Church opposes abortion? Now remember, the women do not know they have been inseminated by Satan. Tough sell! The only way to do it, to course, is for Father Gollum to convince them they are carrying Satan's kids, and the only way he could possibly accomplish that is to gain their complete trust.

So what's his marketing strategy?  Fun street foods!

DVD info from Amazon

  • widescreen anamorphic, 1.85:1

  • no meaningful features

"Hey, ice-a cream. Hey getta you tutsi-frutsi ice-a cream! Tasta so nice and killa de evil fetuses, same time."

I'm thinkin' maybe the Vatican should assign a more persuasive salesman to this job. As you might guess, most women decline this abortion offer, so he must kill them and their babies.

The Critics Vote ...

  • No major reviews.

The People Vote ...

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-.

Based on this description, this is a C-. That may be too generous. The film has good production values, but is illogical, derivative (basically the same movie as Rosemary's Baby), and borrrrr-ing. And what the hell is Fionnula Flanagan doing in this?

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