Agent Red (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Agent Red (2000), aka Captured, is a post-Cold War "thriller" about Russian-American cooperation.
The actual Agent Red of the title is a deadly biological weapon created by the United States, stolen by the Russians. It is so powerful that a small amount released in Siberia in a mishap in the early 1970's forced Russia to kill every single living organism in an entire city, because there was no other way to contain the virulence.


Natalie Radford showed her breasts, and Robert Donovan exposed his butt.
Well, now it's 2000 and Russia doesn't have the strong security it once possessed. They just don't want Agent Red on their soil any more, and they don't know how to dispose of it, so they call up the USA and say "take it back". The American President agrees, and sends over a submarine and Dolph Lundgren, playing a Marine captain, to provide security. Yup, that's their security for the most dangerous weapon the world has ever known. And the entire security procedure, namely Dolph, has to take a cab from the Russian airport to the submarine base. When the cabbie says, "Which one? we have two submarine bases in town", he doesn't know! All that really happened. I haven't even started on the lies yet.

Wouldn't you know it, but there are dissidents within Russia that lost their families in the 1970 slaughter, and they now plan to get their revenge by commandeering the submarine and launching some missiles full of Agent Red on some American and Russian cities. Somehow, this plan leaks out, and there is panic in New York and Moscow, the first likely targets.

The free world was fortunate to have Dolph Lundgren on that sub, let me tell you. Now for the lies I promised.

Great submarine. At one point, Dolph leaves the bridge of the sub, hops in his Corvette, and drives with his best girlie (a spunky female virologist, who also happens to be on the sub) to the drive-in theater on the other side of the sub, where they watch a movie and the fireworks show, then go for a swim in the sub's artificial freshwater lake, and ride the sub's world-famous roller coaster, before returning to the control area. When they try to return, Governor Lepetomane has installed toll booths on the bridge entrance, and they have to go back for a shitload of dimes. Luckily, the submarine also has a working mint and gold reserve, and Dolph is able to persuade the employees there that it is a national emergency, and they need to run off a couple extra rolls of fresh shiny dimes.

The stuff that really happened wasn't any more sensible. I would have taken note of the unlikelihood that Dolph would end up on the sub with his ex-girlfriend, who just happens to be a virologist, except there were about 4.2 billion people on that sub, so the odds were actually in their favor.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • widescreen anamorphic, 1.85:1.

  • full-length director's commentary

I did find some other things kinda amusing.
  • The head of the Russian military is played by Steve Franken, whom I haven't seen in years - he's the guy who played Chatsworth Osborn Jr. on the old Dobie Gillis show. He was the Alan Cumming of his own time, always playing dandified fops and rich mama's boys.
  • Of course, the Head of the U.S. Navy is played by Emergency's Randolph Mantooth, so it's like an old home week for forgotten TV actors.
  • As usual, there are many gunfights aboard the submarine, but in this case it seems to make sense. The ricochet effect is minimal, since the submarine is actually larger than most countries. In fact, they don't even need to sail from Murmansk to New York. They just pull out of port, point the sub in the right heading, walk from the stern to the bow, and they're in the Big Apple in time to catch Bobby Short's version of "Just One of Those Things" at the Carlyle. Bobby plays the main room of the sub on the way back, sharing the stage with Siegfried and Roy.
  • The sub is hit by several torpedoes of various types, launched by other subs and by planes, but they have about as much impact as mosquito bites on a Rhino.

The Critics Vote

  • no major reviews

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: not enough votes for a score, I suppose it will eventually check in around 4.5
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a D. Even if you say that its genre is low-budget thriller, it still stinks. My review didn't even skim the surface of the silly things that happen at sea!

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