Valentine (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
|Man, the holidays are tough on
pretty girls. During summer vacation, that Jason guy
comes out of the lake to their summer camp. On Halloween,
Michael Meyers is out there. Not to mention "Silent
Night, Evil Night" and "Black Christmas".
Now even Valentine's Day is screwed up, in this slasher flick about Valentine-themed murders.
|Why can't I get anyone in Hollywood to produce my script about a slasher (David Arquette) who strikes every year on President's Birthday. His hook is that every murder is done in the style of a certain President. He actually commits them in the same order in which the men presided over the country, so that the detectives can try to predict the next victim. He's almost caught on the Clinton murder and the movie ends on the Dubya murder, but this summary varies a bit from the script's chronology:||
What about this specific movie I'm supposed to be reviewing here? Who cares? Forget it. Just another barely OK formula picture, hoping to target the college-age market. Not very scary. Not Imaginative. Not well acted. Pretty girls, but not naked. Obviously meant as a pure formula marketing-oriented project.
You know the drill. It's filled with women who go off on their own every chance they get, despite the nearby presence of a mad killer stalker dude.
"Oh, I wonder what that noise is in the deserted wing of the house. I'll go check"
"Gosh, that didn't really look like a deer out there in Spooky Woods. I better go see what it was."
That kinda stuff.
Then people jump out from behind corners and say "boo", and some violin music shrieks at the appropriate time. Should scare the hell out of your three year old.
kills some women who snubbed him in sixth grade. Luckily
for the filmmaker, all of them grew up to have enormous
breasts (Like Katherine Heigl and Denise Richards) Is the
guy anonymous, or one of their boyfriends? Or is it
someone else just pretending to be the sixth grade geek?
I'll never tell, except to say that the explanation is
impossible because the person identified as the killer is
a different size from the person we watch commit the
The killer wears a cupid mask, and when he is photographed in the shadows wearing the mask, it appears that the murders are being performed by film critic Roger Ebert. I doubt if Ebert really did it, but if he did, no jury in the world would convict him. Clearly justifiable homicide.
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