Knightwalks (1995) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

The summary of Knightwalks on the DVD box is as follows:

"Detective Joe Average is faced with the mysterious and unexplainable murder of the daughter of Paris Martel, a high-stakes drug dealer. As you would expect, the investigation goes deep into the underworld of crime and leads to big trouble."

Doesn't sound too bad.

Has nothing to do with this movie.

This is the story of a pimp and his designated driver, the tough guy who drives various hookers around from client to client. The driver is a nice guy who minds his own business and reads magazines while the girls are with their clients. The pimp is a psychotic asshole, and some of the current hookers are whispering that some of the previous hookers disappeared when they were contracted out to make snuff films. We don't see anything like that, but we do see him get upset with one of the girls, and he assigns her an unspeakable punishment. She can only screw the clients who look and dress like Jim "The Anvil" Neidhardt. (Example at right.)

Eventually, the pimp gets mad at the nice guy, but before Mr Pimp can kill him, the nice guy is saved by a hooker because at least Mr. Nice never made her have sex with Jim "The Anvil" or any other famous guys named after forging tools. Well, maybe Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, but no other ones, and Fred is cool.


Breasts only: the two women are Gladys Hans and Deborah Stevens

Pretty exciting stuff, eh? And that was the best stuff. I would guess that there was enough dialogue and plot to fill about five minutes of running time. You can make the rest of the movie at home, using the following recipe:

1. Show some stock footage of Los Angeles traffic.

2. Show a woman leaving a car, meeting her client. Show the first half of a sex scene in which the woman's lower body is wrapped in a sheet, as seen in the picture above.

3. Cut to the driver sitting in the car, reading a magazine. You can kill some running time by allowing the camera to linger on articles or ads in the magazine which are more interesting than the script, but don't fall in love with this idea because even those little subscription cards which fall out of magazines are more interesting than this script.

4. Cut back to the second half of the sex scene, in which the woman's lower body is still covered. Once in a while, let the sheet fall away, so it is completely obvious that the prostitute is actually fully dressed below the waist.

5. Show more stock footage of Los Angeles traffic. In fact, show the exact same stock footage each time - same intersections, same cars, same turnpike exits, same everything. (And the traffic scenes are on film stock so worn and faded that it looks like it was all photographed in the distant past, in complete contrast to the bright, competent DV look of the remainder of the movie.)

6. If the next "john" is particularly far away, show some of the stock traffic footage TWICE to indicate the passage of additional distance.

Repeat about six times.

This film was so cheap that it couldn't even afford the usual sad saxophone music usually associated with noir films. Instead they played faux-saxophone music on a synthesizer.

Oh, yeah, it's called Knightwalks because the driver is named Knight, and ... um ... uh ... well, he didn't ever walk anywhere - but Knightdrives sounded like a shitty title. Interestingly, this is the same process Dickens used to come up with the name for Martin Chuzzlewit, which was about some guy named "Marty" Chuzzle who wasn't witty. I can see that these filmmakers must have been profoundly affected by Dickens in many other ways as well, starting with their use of paper to write the script, and climaxing in the appearance of The Ghost of Traffic Past.

DVD info from Amazon

  • No features, no widescreen, crappy film, but you can't beat the price. This is part of a 5-disc set which includes 10 movies, and you can buy it for as little as ten bucks used (eighteen bucks new). A buck a movie.

The various sex scenes are nearly as identical as the traffic scenes, but they are not stock footage. The scenes can be distinguished from one another because there are two different hookers, the johns are always different, and - I think you're really gonna like this - the hookers' lower bodies are covered by a different colored sheet in each scene! Clearly, they went the extra mile on the production values and stretched their credit line at Bed, Bath, and Beyond to bring us superlative viewing pleasure.

This DVD includes ten films for ten dollars. You get what you pay for.

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The People Vote ...


The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-.

Based on this description, this is an E. It may be the very reason why the expression "lame" was created. The women are not especially attractive, the sex scenes seem to have been created by a cookie cutter, the women always have a sheet wrapped over their lower bodies, and the plot is non-existent. Oh, yeah, the acting stinks as well. To be fair, it is NOT an "F". The photography of the original scenes is actually pretty good - nice colors, pretty good sharpness. (The stock footage is hilariously different film stock.)

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