Ah, yes, the kill
cruise. It's a pretty popular themed cruise now on
Norwegian Cruise Lines. I think the celebrity cruise
is still number one, then the sports cruise, then
the kill cruise. You see, one of your fellow
passengers is a serial killer, and you have to find
the right one before everyone on the ship is dead.
The cruise line likes the business, but they don't
get that many repeat customers.
"Death, exciting and
new. Come on board, we're expecting you. Welcome
aboard, it's death ... death .... death ...."
I'm just fokkin'
witcha. All of that has nothing to do with this
movie, which is also called The Storm and Der
Skipper. Patsy Kensit and Liz Hurley play two
working class English floozies drifting around in
Gibraltar, making a subsistence living with a cheesy
nightclub act. They want to go to the West Indies,
and they end up falling in with a drunken German
sailor who owns his own yacht. The crusty old
Teutonic sea salt has been unable to sail since a
trip which caused some people to die with him at the
helm, but Patsy and Liz have no problem persuading
him to take them to Barbados.
The last 80 minutes of the film is simply the three
of them on the ship. Pretty much nothing happens for
about 78 of those 80 minutes. There is a bit of
misdirection. We see the captain's needles and
wonder if he is a junkie. It turns out he is simply
a diabetic. We think Patsy is crazy with jealousy,
and may be psychotic. It turns out that she's just
afraid of being left alone when the Cap'n
predictably falls head over heels for Elizabeth
Hurley. Hurley seems to be simply an innocent caught
between these two monsters.
The last two minutes present an absolutely silly
resolution to the situation. Completely out of left
field, unexpectedly and for no reason, Hurley kills
the captain, then smothers Kensit with a pillow when
Then we see a word caption that says, "The boat
drifted into port three weeks later. It was
The frigging end.