Held for Ransom (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
|Wow, talk about bad. At one time they must
have intended this to be a real movie. It stars Dennis
Hopper in his psycho bad guy avatar, and even features
cameos from former night-soap queens Morgan Fairchild and
Joan van Ark, which is kinda fun. And then the filmmakers
lost their way. When the finally put this together, I
guess they had given up all hope of a distribution deal,
and they just cut it fast to sell it to Blockbuster for
an exclusive deal. Blockbuster is hungry for exclusive
product, and I suppose they were impressed by having an
exclusive on a film with Dennis Hopper instead of the
usual Czech SF crap.
have stuck with the Eastern European films.
The filmmakers didn't care at all
about the final product here. They just churned out
whatever fulfilled their contract. Some necessary
transitions were missing, no explanation. Some scenes
were assembled in the wrong order. A couple scenes are
too dark to see what's going on.
Fairchild gets a naked massage. On breast is
visible, but no nipple.
captures a school bus. (Sound familiar?) He takes a few
kids out of the bus, and holds them deep in the swamp, in
a cabin surrounded by hungry gators and water moccasins.
He demands a ransom from their parents.
Turns out that he kidnapped some
poor kids by mistake, and their parents can only afford
to pay the ransom in old rusted-out Ford 351 engines and
microwave burritos. Or something like that. And then it
turns out that the parents arranged to kidnap their own
kids or something. I think it's because burritos are tax
deductible if you have to pay them to kidnappers. Or
something. Who cares?
||Avoid this turkey.
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