God's Comedy (1996) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
|Like most of us, you've probably sat back and
thought to yourself, "I'd like to see a slow, painterly,
intellectualized, perverse, two and a half hour black comedy. I could
watch a Peter Greenaway movie, but that damned Greenaway always makes
'em in English. I want to see one in Portuguese."
Well, your long national nightmare is over. Portugal has its own Peter Greenaway clone, a langorously paced, wordy, but visually arresting film about an old man who manages an Ice Cream parlor.
|This fella really knows his ice cream. He'll tell anybody who cares to listen about the historical development of various ice products, and the split of the modern market between the American style ice creams and the European ices. He recites the exact same speeches again, and again, verbatim. Keep that fast forward handy, because these speeches are long and pretentious when you hear them the first time, and they don't get better with repetition.||
something he like better than ice cream. Young girls. He
hires only beautiful young chickadees, and gets off on talking dirty
to them, fantasizing about them, and fantasizing about talking dirty
to them. He has some other interesting perversions as well. He
collects the pubic hair of both young women he has known and famous
women. The prize of his collection is the pubic hair of Queen
His ultimate fantasy is to combine his great loves. He likes to make new flavors and his dream is to make a girl-flavored ice. I mean Ben and Jerry may have a Cherry Garcia, but the name is honorary. They didn't actually use any of Jerry to create the flavor. This guy plans to go them one better. He invites a young girl up to his apartment, and asks her to take a milk-bath. When she has to pee, he asks her to pee right in the milk. All the better to make a Joaninha flavored ice. Then he does some other generally odd things with her.
Unfortunately, her father finds out, and he is a sad camper. The ice cream dude puts a cigarette in his mouth and the father removes it. He lights another and the father removes it. They repeat this exactly 16 times before daddy kicks the stuffing out of the little pervert. (That chapter on the DVD is called "16 Cigarettes")
|Needless to say,
everything in his stylized life is lost. When he gets out of the
hospital, he has lost his job, and his once elegant apartment is
covered with pigeon shit.
That's it. Not even a pigeon flavored ice cream. That's all, after 162 minutes of set-up.
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