Eternal (2004) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
Eternal is a vampire-type story "inspired by true events," those
events in this case being that some low-budget vampire movies have
made a buck or two. Oh, I guess the quote on the DVD box really refers to some
"true events" which happened in Shakespeare's lifetime, although the
movie itself takes place in the present. The inspirational events involve
a 17th century Hungarian
countess named Elizabeth Bathory, who is said to have attempted to stay
young by bathing in the blood of as many as 600 young female virgins.
She may or may not have done the bloodbaths, but she was infamous for having brutally tortured and otherwise humiliated young women.
The Straight Dope remarked:
You may be interested in these birth and death dates
The parallel lives belong to two great and compassionate authors, maybe the greatest of all time in their respective languages, and one sadistic monster. As Charles Dickens might have remarked, it was an age of moderation, it was an age of excess; the common man was everything, the common man was nothing.
You may not know this unless you are a current or former Liberal Arts major, but Cervantes and Shakespeare both died on the same day: April 23, 1616. That combo sure beats the hell out of Richie Valens and Buddy Holly. The only death-combo I can recall which might rival Cervantes/Shakespeare in significance would be John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, who both died on July 4, 1826, a coincidence made even more significant by the fact that it happened to be the 50th birthday of the country they helped to found.
Back to the incredibly true movie ...
Based upon her bathing habits, I gather that the Bride of Dracula in this film, aka Elizabeth Kane, is the notorious Countess Elizabeth Bathory. Since she is still alive in the 21st century, and still looking pretty hot, I guess we must conclude that her bloodbath technique really is the fountain of youth. Since the film is inspired by true events, I am trying to figure out if I can obtain some virgin blood without actually killing anyone. Do hospitals ever sell blood? Maybe I can just go down to the blood bank and open a Christmas Club account.
Countess Dracula, or Bathory, or Kane, kills the wife of a Montreal police officer. (I guess virgin blood is just too hard to find.) The policeman follows the trail to her lair, and becomes transfixed by her, thus continuing to investigate her and woo her simultaneously, ala Basic Instinct.
I think the best way to describe Eternal is as follows: imagine that you have a tape of a late-night cable sex show with some pretty slick production values. You also have a impish techno-nerd of a roommate who goes through your tape and digitally adds clothing to all the participants in the sex scenes. The result would be Eternal, which has most of the liabilities of a sex film and almost none of the pleasures. It has routine direction, uninspired acting, unknown cast members, and a plethora of sex scenes. Some of the sex scenes are quite kinky and stylized. Yet there is virtually no nudity. We see the star's bum as she rises from her blood bath, but the scene is dark and her ass is dark red, so she may be wearing a thong and we'd never know it. There is some brief breast exposure, and that's just about it.
Oh, and to make matters worse, the film takes itself seriously.
Trust me on this. Although the film is not completely incompetent, you really aren't interested.
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