Beautiful Joe (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
|I can't remember why I watched
this. Big mistake.
Ultra-sappy romantic comedy. Awful script, that even A-list players couldn't save. How the hell did they get Ian Holm, Sharon Stone, Gil Bellows and Billy Connolly to appear in dreck like this?
|Joe (Connolly) is a likeable Irish immigrant who finds that he has a brain tumor, and decides to take a couple of weeks to sort out his plan of action. Along the way, he is conned out of some money by Sharon Stone, who plays a gambling-addicted small time con artist who is in serious trouble with the bookies and loan sharks.||
|Well, when Stone lifts Joe's wallet to pay
back "George the Geek" (Ian Holm), Joe just
walks into the loan shark's office and asks him, as a man
of honor, to give the wallet back. George does so, and we
find out it is because he fears that Joe, because he is
an eccentric Irishman from the Bronx with massive
cojones, must be the famous "Beautiful Joe",
the contract killer for the Irish mob.
Joe heads back to Stone's messy place and cleans it up. Then he cooks everyone breakfast, gets her mute son to talk (I'm not kidding), shows her the true meaning of love without even watching The English Patient, cures his own brain tumor, raises Lazarus from the dead, pays off the national debt, gives Stone the most multiple orgasms in the history of womanhood, and devises a solution for the world's overpopulation problem.
Unfortunately that isn't enough, because when the REAL Beautiful Joe finds out he's being impersonated, he needs to ice the impersonator. You know, it's just a manly contract killer thing. So eventually the two Joe's meet, and guess what? Beautiful Joe is Our Joe's best friend from the Bronx, and it turns out that the head mob guy for the entire world is Our Joe's beloved ex father-in-law, all of their mob activities unsuspected by the honest Joe.
Oh, yeah, and it turns out that Our Joe's real dad is not that Joseph guy from the manger, but is our Father who art in Heaven, and this time he's lookin' out for his little scrapper. OK, I made up the God part, but the rest is really what happens in the movie.
|Very well performed by Stone and Connolly, who are both terrific in comedies, amd who are both good enough actors to carry the heavier emotional moments as well. The rest of the performers are generally good as well, but they just had complete horse manure for a script.|
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