Autumn in New York (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
|This is possibly the greatest horror movie
I've ever seen. In my life I've seen a few scary films,
and I don't think I've ever screamed out loud.
Until I saw Autumn in New York.
I kept screaming - "oh, no, they're not really going to ..... " But they did anyway. Then I screamed "he didn't really say that ..." But he did.
I'm not sure if the Guinness people have a record for most cliches in one movie, but this would be a good place to start.
It's a shame, really, that there was already a movie called Death Race 2000, because that would have been a good name for this one. Y'see, it isn't really a horror movie, but a weepy-ass dyin' woman hankie flick in the manner of Love Story. Richard Gere is a thousand years old, and he falls in love with Winona Ryder, who's about 12. But, lo and behold, when he tells her that there's no future, is he ever in for a surprise. Turns out the reason they have no future is not because she's gonna outlive him by 80 years. The reason is because she personally has no future, as she is dying of Ali McGraw disease. If he doesn't die first of old age.
he's searching for the miracle cure. Not for old age, for
the Ali McGraw thing.
And then it turns out that Winona's mother was once in love with Gere, with unfortunate results, and Winona's granny is still alive to remind both of them of it, and to remind Gere not to hurt Winona.
|Not like it
would matter that much - I mean she's only got like 16
seconds to live anyway. Her doctors advise her not to buy
any long-playing records, so how much harm can Gere do?
But the granny tells Gere to leave her alone, so he dumps her on the advice of the granny, and the shock of that alone almost kills her! Good thinking, granny! Way to make those precious few days really special for her. Of course, Gere dumps her very stylishly and cinematically. You know, in the rain, and in the falling leaves, for the proper effect and all.
But then he begs her to take him back. The exact dialogue, "please let me love you. please. please. please. please. please." And the strain of listening to all this begging almost kills her again.
Oh, here's another one. They're dancing and he says "you don't dance, you float". Now do you see why I was screaming?
Oh, yeah, and get this. When Gere dumped Winona's mom so long ago (because she was getting too serious about their relationship), Gere went and boffed her tennis partner in the boathouse. Well, that little fling produced an offspring, and that offspring turns up on Gere's doorstep just in time to fill out the plot and find him a heart specialist.
|I'm still wondering how
Winona had sex. You see, Winona's heart is so weak that
she passes out when she gets a really good birthday
surprise, or when they just rassle around in front of a
mirror or run toward each other in movie slow motion, so
I guess the old geezer wasn't giving her any really
superlative and deranged sportfuckin'. Or maybe he was.
Maybe that's why she finally died, as the result of a
spine-rattling, heart-stopping orgasm. Well, in that
case, I kinda like it now.
After Winona finally kicks the bucket, Gere changes his evil seducin' ways, and he even takes his long-lost daughter and his new grandson for a boat ride in Central Park, and the movie ends (I'm not kidding), with Gere feeding his little grandchild while he smiles beatifically, a reformed man, like when Our Gang comedies end with Spanky saying "I'll never be bad again", and firmly resolving to go to school instead of skipping out to go to the circus.
Terrible, terrible movie. Bad beyond belief except that the photography is pretty. A strong rival to "I Dreamed of Africa" as the second worst big budget film of the past year ('Battlefield Earth" kinda swept away the competition for #1). By the way, it isn't a chick-flick. Women rated it lower than men at imdb, and women over 45 rated it harshest of any group.
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