Agent Red (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
|Agent Red (2000), aka Captured, is a post-Cold War "thriller" about Russian-American cooperation.|
|The actual Agent Red of the title is a deadly biological weapon created by the United States, stolen by the Russians. It is so powerful that a small amount released in Siberia in a mishap in the early 1970's forced Russia to kill every single living organism in an entire city, because there was no other way to contain the virulence.||
|Well, now it's 2000 and Russia doesn't
have the strong security it once possessed. They just
don't want Agent Red on their soil any more, and they
don't know how to dispose of it, so they call up the USA
and say "take it back". The American President
agrees, and sends over a submarine and Dolph Lundgren,
playing a Marine captain, to provide security. Yup,
that's their security for the most dangerous weapon the
world has ever known. And the entire security procedure,
namely Dolph, has to take a cab from the Russian airport
to the submarine base. When the cabbie says, "Which
one? we have two submarine bases in town", he
doesn't know! All that really happened. I haven't even
started on the lies yet.
Wouldn't you know it, but there are dissidents within Russia that lost their families in the 1970 slaughter, and they now plan to get their revenge by commandeering the submarine and launching some missiles full of Agent Red on some American and Russian cities. Somehow, this plan leaks out, and there is panic in New York and Moscow, the first likely targets.
The free world was fortunate to have Dolph Lundgren on that sub, let me tell you. Now for the lies I promised.
Great submarine. At one point, Dolph leaves the bridge of the sub, hops in his Corvette, and drives with his best girlie (a spunky female virologist, who also happens to be on the sub) to the drive-in theater on the other side of the sub, where they watch a movie and the fireworks show, then go for a swim in the sub's artificial freshwater lake, and ride the sub's world-famous roller coaster, before returning to the control area. When they try to return, Governor Lepetomane has installed toll booths on the bridge entrance, and they have to go back for a shitload of dimes. Luckily, the submarine also has a working mint and gold reserve, and Dolph is able to persuade the employees there that it is a national emergency, and they need to run off a couple extra rolls of fresh shiny dimes.
The stuff that really happened wasn't any more sensible. I would have taken note of the unlikelihood that Dolph would end up on the sub with his ex-girlfriend, who just happens to be a virologist, except there were about 4.2 billion people on that sub, so the odds were actually in their favor.
find some other things kinda amusing.
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