Actress Apocalypse (2005) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Actress Apocalypse is a backyard-quality mockumentary about some people making a backyard-quality film. The filmmaking problems portrayed in this film are supposed to be reflective of the actual problems encountered in the making of a companion film, I Am Vengeance.

We are supposed to be watching the process of making a no budget horror film called "Clearwater Canyon." The director of that film is a self-important buffoon, his brother is a druggie who wants to be the casting director just so he can try out the whole casting couch scene. The boom man is a flaming gay guy who failed in the acting auditions, but really wanted to be part of the show. He is known only as "The Golden Terror." All of them seem to have escaped from a lunatic asylum.


As the pseudo filmmakers audition their cast, they end up killing a couple of actresses by accident.

End Spoilers

If you have a vast quantity of drugs set aside for a special occasion, you might consider breaking them out for a screening of this film, which has all the production value of a home movie without any of the competence. It reminded me of the "underground" films I used to see in Greenwich Village back in the 1960s. The careers of the "actors" seem to consist of either (1) this movie only; or (2) this movie and the companion film by the same director. The general sense of amateurishness is further exaggerated by colored filters, quick edits, fish-eye lens effects, deliberately blurred focus, loud heavy metal music, and other sorts of late-60s, half-mad half-psychedelic kitsch.

To be fair, it is probably not fair of me to point out how bad the film is since it is undoubtedly meant to be as bad as possible. You see, it is not only an accurate portrayal of some crazy guys making a very poor film, but the truly inside joke is that it is also supposed to be a bad documentary about making a bad film. As one character says to the camera, "The director doesn't realize that the documentary is not about the making of the film. The documentary IS the film."

Whatever. The fact that it the incompetence is intentional doesn't keep it from grating on one's nerves after a few minutes.

Imagine, if you will, a bunch of 15 year olds hanging out at somebody's house with mom and dad out of town, taking some LSD, then deciding to make an impromptu movie without a script. The picture in your mind is very similar to this movie.

Except a lot better.

The film does have one major plus for an exploitation flick - a vast quantity of nudity from three women with great bodies. There is plenty of nudity in the film, and even more in the deleted scenes. In fact, a lot of work went into the preparation of the DVD. There is one whole discrete CD of the music from the soundtrack, and there's approximately two hours of additional filmed footage in the extra features. Strung together, the bonus footage would be longer than the actual movie. The extra features include:

  • 75 minutes worth of deleted scenes and outtakes
  • 30 minutes worth of behind the scenes moments and interviews
  • Some longer versions of the "lesbian shower scene" and the "stripper footage."

In other words, there is a grand total of some three and a half hours of this insanity. Is that better than sixty minutes of it? Well ... debatable. Maybe not. Maybe if you were to edit all this footage down to the best sixty minutes, it might be sort of ...

... nah, what was I thinking?



  • see details in the main commentary
  • the package also includes a second disk, which is a stand-alone CD of the sound track by Space Probe Taurus



Lily Walker shows all possible body parts

Kenzie Lovelay and Kerri Bonich show their breasts.

The Critics Vote ...

  • No major reviews on file

The People Vote ...

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-.

Based on this description ... As a comedy/mockumentary: F. As an nudie/exploitation film: C-. (Sure it is grating, but it's hard to complain about two hours of nudity from women with great bodies, even if the quality is a bit rough.)

Return to the Movie House home page